When did I become so uncool?

What I most love about my friend Rebecca is that she’s a word nerd. I’m serious. She gets giddy when she adds to her vocabulary. It’s infectious and I will admit her little oddity has improved my lexicon, so I won’t complain, at least not today.

Yesterday, Rebecca texted me a “Dear Abby” article about a mother who overheard her 17-year-old son talking about “twerking.” The mother wondered if twerking was similar to “catfishing,” “getting high,” or “tripping.”

While Rebecca and I thought it was sad the mother didn’t have the type of relationship where she could ask the son what catfishing meant, we both thought is was even sadder that I never heard of catfishing. I Googled, and it has nothing to do with fishing.

When did I become so uncool?

I didn’t hear about twerking until Miley molested a married man on national television with her butt.

Language is ever changing and if you’re a parent, you probably want to educate yourself on the latest slang. Trust me, “dexing” is not the same as texting.

My cool years are definitely behind me. Imagine my surprise upon hearing the latest Good Morning America promo: “Teenage girl catfishes an entire town. Stay tuned.” Thanks Rebecca.

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If it sounds to good to be true…

The call came at 7:55 a.m. I answered without looking at caller ID. That was the first mistake. Michael Washington from American Sweepstakes said I won $65 million. Hell yeah, Thursday morning looking awesome!

The second mistake was not hanging up, and the third was entertaining the scam artist who claimed my money arrive in an hour. The catch, yes, there was a catch; I needed to purchase a check card for $1050. Wait, what?

At this point, I’m not longer entertained, plus my coffee was cooling, so I hang up. This should be over right? No, it’s not. Washington called back 15 to 20 more times. He cursed me when I finally yelled, “Just send my freakin’ $65 Mil!”

Again, this should be over? Again, it’s not. Washington called today at 7:55 a.m. His accent was the giveaway, although he gave a different name. I yelled at him and he cursed at me. Is he angry I refuse to be scammed? I put the phone on silent. When I checked the phone log several hours later, it showed Washington had called me every five to 10 minutes until 10:51 a.m. What the French toast? Definitely time to go to the police.

All the news that fits…

Wow. I wrote more than a thousand words towards my novel. I’m excited and nervous and scared. Simply, I’m a mess. I know that’s not news, especially to those who know me well.

Hey, did you know Robin Roberts is gay? Is that news?

Yes, Roberts is a highly recognized newscaster on ABC’s Good Morning America. And yes, Roberts fought and won her battle with breast cancer and later with myelodysplastic syndrome. Roberts’ public and publicized health issues brought much-needed attention to both diseases, and that’s definitely news. In fact, Roberts’ resolve to share her private battles with America is why I started watching GMA again.

In December, Roberts shared another private moment when she Facebooked (yes, I just made Facebook a verb), “…I am grateful for my entire family, my long time girlfriend, Amber, and friends as we prepare to celebrate a glorious new year together.”

It’s been nearly two weeks and the media still treats Roberts’ coming out as news.

Trust me, Roberts being gay is not news. The fact that Roberts has been in a loving relationship for 10 years is newsworthy especially when stats show the average American marriage lasts eight years.  Now, that’s news.

Selfies!? I feel so dirty…

I read Yahoo’s “Trending Now” daily. I ask myself “Is he/she dead?” before clicking a name. Not kidding.

Rebecca claims celebrities pay to be on the trending list. I disagree.

Today, I clicked Kim Kardashian’s name. She’s No. 1 on the trending list.

No, she’s not dead and no, she hasn’t done anything to deserve trending (score one for Rebecca). Wait, I take that back. Her butt made the list and that’s deserving, right? You see someone claims Kim has been photoshopping (butt-shopping?) her selfies. Yes, I just used the word selfies, I feel so dirty.

While Butt-Gate 2014 will trend for the rest of the week, I wonder if Yahoo heard that some UNC Chapel Hill athletes could read only up to the fifth grade? This didn’t make the trending list at all. Again, not kidding. A Chapel Hill learning specialist even recalled tutoring a student-athlete who couldn’t read multisyllabic words.

CNN’s own investigation of student-athletes at public universities across the nation showed many could read only up to the eighth grade. While CNN notes their survey is not exhaustive, this result is staggering and still not trending. Hmmm?

By the way, there’s a Velveeta shortage. It’s No. 3 on the trending list.

CNN: Some college athletes play like adults, read like 5th-graders – CNN.com.

What’s the deal with mothers?

On Sunday morning a family friend called to say my mom had been rushed to the hospital. “Not possible,” I yelled. “I just spoke to her.” Denial, thy name is Deborah.

I drove way too fast and was a wreck by the time I walked into Greenwood-Leflore Hospital. I forced a smile on my face, kissed mom, then asked the doctor what happened. The gist: rapidly beating heart plus labored breathing equaled mom passing out. What the Facebook?

The nurses and doctors poked and prodded mom throughout the day and night. They took way too much blood, but soon were able to say mom has high, make that very high cholesterol and a thyroid problem—both treatable. Whew!

Later that night, after watching “Seinfeld,” mom asked “What’s for dinner?”

Me: Probably whatever the doctor approves. 

Mom: I don’t want that tasteless cafeteria food. Just get me a bacon cheeseburger (pause) from Wendy’ (longer pause) not McDonald’s.

Me: (Even longer pause) No cheeseburgers for you!  

Mom: Oh, don’t worry. It’s small and I’ll take the cheese off.

It’s been two days since mom left the hospital. She’s still not feeling her best and she is still complaining ‘cause I wouldn’t buy that cheeseburger. 

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